Disclaimer — this conversation talks about suicide.
Well, let's talk about the worst day of my life. I know that last sentence might seem a bit dramatic and like many of you, I have had several worst days. What makes this the worst day is a moment, a brief second, where I thought life wasn't worth it. Yep, I thought this world would be better without me in it.
I sat at my desk, staring at my computer, my heart was thumping and the veins in my neck felt like they would burst. My anxiety had peaked, and I looked at a picture of my little girls and started crying uncontrollably. I saw the signs and immediately called my wife asking her to come home. She knew I was unwell from the tone in my voice. Fortunately for me, I have support systems in place — people who I can call and speak to. A system developed over 10 years ago when I suffered depression and turned my life around.
A year of two halves
The first half of 2022 was brilliant. I took a brand to 960 retail stores, built two extra brands with my business partner, started a long-time planned project for my Indigenous education program, and celebrated the 1st birthday of my youngest daughter. I was working through my MBA, I'd been to the USA for a trade show, and I was set to attend an Indigenous Leadership course at Harvard University. Life was looking good.
The second half can only be described as a wet slap in the face with a fish, whilst standing naked in the snow.
The trademark dispute
What sent me over the edge in November 2022 was a combination of things — a little bit of burnout, some ego, some poor business planning, some bad luck, and a lot of deception.
One of my brands had an Indigenous name that needed to be trademarked. We held the trademark lodgement while we worked out the best way to protect the Indigenous communities the name belonged to. It was a poor business decision and it would burn us. Our other key bad decision was a joint venture with a contract manufacturer.
Whilst attending Harvard with 40 Indigenous leaders, I received a message from my business partner. He shared a picture showing the entity that the joint venture was in had trademarked our brand name under their own business entity. They had trademarked our Indigenous brand. My heart rate exploded. He said the damage was done and we were in for a fight.
The contract manufacturers had moved to take over the brand due to greed. The anger and pain that came from the following months was the worst personal experience I have had in relation to business. I felt helpless, ashamed, and began to hide myself away from the public.
The day it broke
It all came to a head on a sunny day in November. I had a hard meeting with a lawyer and an accountant — my passion business Indigicate had lost its major contract due to COVID lockdowns and was going into voluntary administration. 10 years of work disappeared in an instant.
Within 30 minutes, I had a meeting with the major retailer who sold our Indigenous brand. They said there was nothing they could do. If the contract manufacturers held the trademark, they held the rights to the brand and its revenue. Our lawyers told us it would take a minimum of 12 months and a lot of legal fees to win the trademark dispute.
It broke me. I had hit rock bottom and when that phone call ended, I was distraught and suicidal. I rang my wife. I texted my business partner and my brother. I accepted that I needed help, and I got it.
The other side of hopelessness
My suicidal thoughts were all for a few seconds, but they were there, and they were terrifying. I have for a very long time sought professional help and I have an incredible support system. I am also not ashamed of this story. It is a learning experience.
I understand how people can end up in a space where they kill themselves — a place of complete hopelessness. I can also say that the other side of hopelessness, a place of joy and laughter, exists. I know because I am there now.
Since October 2022, I've started and ended a few businesses, taken considerable time off to focus on myself, my mental health, and my family. I completed my MBA, traveled Europe with two toddlers, rebuilt my back, and shifted my focus onto working on projects that uplift me.
I want people to know they are not alone. You are strongest when you are at your weakest — you just can't see it. Get help. Talk to your dog, a stranger, a mental health expert, talk to a tree. Just talk. You will feel better, no matter how bad it is.
As for the trademark dispute — we won. The brand will be back on the shelf. It will be challenging to see it there again, but I look forward to that.
Support contacts
- Lifeline Australia — 24/7 crisis support and suicide prevention. 13 11 14.
- Beyond Blue — 1300 22 4636.
- 13YARN — 13 92 76, a 24/7 support line for Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander people.
- Headspace — 1800 650 890 (12–25 year-olds).
- Black Dog Institute — online resources for mood disorders.
- SANE Australia — 1800 18 7263.